Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
He grew up so fast-- sort of
Yesterday Moses got a "big boy bed." He was so excited to help Daddy take down his crib:
I really wasn't sure how that part was going to go. He LOVES his crib. Hence, he is 3 and just now moving into a bed...
After it was up yesterday afternoon, he was all smiles:
(that's a cookie monster tatoo on his leg... he's been showing everyone...)
But at bedtime, it was a different story. He had been "in bed" for a while when I peaked in and saw him sitting on the floor, totally somber, at the foot of his bed. I got down next to him and asked, "Don't you like your big boy bed?" He looked at me with his huge blue eyes and said, "No like big boy bed." Then he whispered, "Want my crib." Rip my heart out!
So at 8:30 last night, K was putting the crib back up. In the middle of Moses' bedroom. Because Moses couldn't decide which bed he wanted to fall asleep in.
Two and half hours after he first went "to bed," he eventually fell asleep in his big boy bed. Here is where I found him at 4:00 this morning after I fed ZuZu:
So maybe I get to hold on to his baby-ness for a little while longer...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Party! Party!
Graduation weekend is one of my favorite times of year here in Mayberry-- everyone knows someone graduating, and you run into the entire community making the graduation party rounds. Moses really got into it this year. We had two parties last night, and two today. We got in the car after church and Moses said, "Party?"
It was also a good opportunity to get ZuZu all dressed up. What can I say? I am enjoying having a girl.... (And lest you think that Moses is neglected, he was adorable all weekend, too! But unlike ZuZu, he doesn't stand still for pictures....)
It was also a good opportunity to get ZuZu all dressed up. What can I say? I am enjoying having a girl.... (And lest you think that Moses is neglected, he was adorable all weekend, too! But unlike ZuZu, he doesn't stand still for pictures....)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Psalm 13
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.
In the last several weeks, I've had a lot of "wilderness moments," and I'm not very proud of it.
What I am referring to are all those times that the Hebrew children doubted God in the wilderness, even though He had proved Himself to them over and over again. When reading through Exodus, I always think, "How could they possibly doubt God? They had seen his miracles!"
But I do the same thing all the time. I can't even name all of the times I have seen God work in mighty ways, and yet after just 9 weeks of trials I was ready to give up on Him. That's pretty pathetic.
But thankfully, God didn't give up on me-- or ZuZu.
ZuZu had her appointment at the Children's Hospital this morning, and to sum it all up, I would say it went better "than we could ever ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20)
As we were pulling in the parking deck, it all hit really hit me. We were taking our daughter to a Children's Hospital. That is where really sick children go. The pediatricians were alarmed enough to send her to a Children's Hospital.
And it hit me that life may never be the same again-- that every day, parents go there with their children, hoping for good news. But that doesn't always happen. Not everyone can get good news. Some parents receive news that will alter their lives forever.
There's so much I could say, but 1) you are probably not interested in all of the details, and 2) I am too tired to think at this point. But the bottom line is that because ZuZu is gaining weight and developing so well, the pediatric GI was only concerned with the blood that has been in ZuZu's stool-- NOT with all of the other symptoms.
He called her weight gain "healthy." I told him we call it "fat." :)
He also called her "gorgeous." And to that I agreed. :)
Basically, she either has 1) a milk protein allergy, or 2) an immature digestive system that is not yet adequately handling the natural bacteria in her digestive system (which makes sense with the weird cell activity they saw in the mucus).
The plan is for me to stay off of dairy (but eat other foods! yay!) for the next few weeks, then reintroduce dairy. If the bleeding starts again, we will need to go back. But if the bleeding doesn't return, we don't even need to go back for a follow-up!
We are SO THANKFUL for God's provision this week. First for taking care of our insurance issues, then for the encouragement from the specialist. I mean, if a pediatric GI isn't concerned about the mucus, I guess I should stop crying about it. :)
I can't thank you enough for all of your prayers. It has been such an encouragement!
ZuZu was, once again, an absolute angel through it all:
(And by the way-- Gorsch family-- I may forever be a Hawkeye fan! :) )
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
She's covered!
We got the call right after I posted the last entry.
Thank you, God, and thank you John-- our incredible BCBS rep!
Now I am going to go collapse...
Thank you, God, and thank you John-- our incredible BCBS rep!
Now I am going to go collapse...
"Just when you think things can't get any worse.... "
I should have never typed that the other day. Because that's just asking for things to get worse.
And they did. After the last post, ZuZu's symptoms came back full-force. We had had one great week of more normal (although not completel normal) stools. Then on Monday afternoon, she began passing thick, dark green mucus. That has continued through this morning.
And then this morning, while she was sitting happily next to me while I worked, she started projectile vomiting.
And we still haven't heard whether she will be covered by our insurance. If she's not covered by tomorrow, we will have to pay 75% up front. The consultation appointment alone could be $500. And if they want to do a scope or scan or anything tomorrow, we are going to have to wait, because we don't have thousands of dollars to just hand over (our bat issue kinda took care of that).
Every week that goes by just gets worse.
And I know I should have more faith than that. But it just doesn't seem like He's listening. At all. I feel completely abandoned.
And I just keep thinking, "What if she doesn't get covered, and they find something? What if we can't afford to make her better?"
And poor Moses. With everything that has been going on, he hasn't gotten the attention I woud like to give him. And he just keeps saying, "No more cryings, Mommy."
And they did. After the last post, ZuZu's symptoms came back full-force. We had had one great week of more normal (although not completel normal) stools. Then on Monday afternoon, she began passing thick, dark green mucus. That has continued through this morning.
And then this morning, while she was sitting happily next to me while I worked, she started projectile vomiting.
And we still haven't heard whether she will be covered by our insurance. If she's not covered by tomorrow, we will have to pay 75% up front. The consultation appointment alone could be $500. And if they want to do a scope or scan or anything tomorrow, we are going to have to wait, because we don't have thousands of dollars to just hand over (our bat issue kinda took care of that).
Every week that goes by just gets worse.
And I know I should have more faith than that. But it just doesn't seem like He's listening. At all. I feel completely abandoned.
And I just keep thinking, "What if she doesn't get covered, and they find something? What if we can't afford to make her better?"
And poor Moses. With everything that has been going on, he hasn't gotten the attention I woud like to give him. And he just keeps saying, "No more cryings, Mommy."
Monday, May 18, 2009
Trying not to panic...
Through some sort of fluke, ZuZu was not added to our health insurance plan. Which means nothing so far has been covered. And unless our local rep can work some magic (and he's trying), she won't be added until next February. Which means that any "pre-existing conditions"-- that she was actually born with and should have been covered had she been added-- won't be covered.
In the meantime, we aren't sure if the Children's Hospital will take us on Thursday without the confirmation of insurance.
Just when you think things can't get any worse....
In the meantime, we aren't sure if the Children's Hospital will take us on Thursday without the confirmation of insurance.
Just when you think things can't get any worse....
Friday, May 15, 2009
I am SO not ready for this
Something happened to me when I became a parent.
I became soft.
Let me explain. I played softball for 10 years growing up. And if I do say so myself, I was good. I was the annoying one that knew all of the strategy and would yell out the plays to my teammates so they knew where to throw the ball. But my real love was baseball. In fourth grade, my goal in life was to be a pitcher for the Cardinals (interestingly, at that same time, K's dream was to catch for the Cardinals...). So I spent hours in the backyard practicing. One of my joys was to show up boys that were older than me with my pitching ability.
And I was competitive. In fact, just a few years ago, I was watching my cousin's son's game (I think he was 5 at the time), and I think my mom wanted to kill me. I was yelling at the kids on his team to run, etc. I mean, if you are going to play, RUN to first base.
So something that happened last night surprised and appalled me. We were on a walk with Moses and ZuZu, and stopped to watch a 2nd-3rd grade baseball game at the diamond down the street. It was apparently highly competitive. Because when one little boy struck out, the opposing team parents cheered.
The parents cheered.
And the little boy hung his head and walked back to the dugout.
And I cried.
I think we will start working on Moses' skills so that I never have to watch that happen to MY baby.
I became soft.
Let me explain. I played softball for 10 years growing up. And if I do say so myself, I was good. I was the annoying one that knew all of the strategy and would yell out the plays to my teammates so they knew where to throw the ball. But my real love was baseball. In fourth grade, my goal in life was to be a pitcher for the Cardinals (interestingly, at that same time, K's dream was to catch for the Cardinals...). So I spent hours in the backyard practicing. One of my joys was to show up boys that were older than me with my pitching ability.
And I was competitive. In fact, just a few years ago, I was watching my cousin's son's game (I think he was 5 at the time), and I think my mom wanted to kill me. I was yelling at the kids on his team to run, etc. I mean, if you are going to play, RUN to first base.
So something that happened last night surprised and appalled me. We were on a walk with Moses and ZuZu, and stopped to watch a 2nd-3rd grade baseball game at the diamond down the street. It was apparently highly competitive. Because when one little boy struck out, the opposing team parents cheered.
The parents cheered.
And the little boy hung his head and walked back to the dugout.
And I cried.
I think we will start working on Moses' skills so that I never have to watch that happen to MY baby.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Partial Answers
We took ZuZu to an allergist yesterday, and first of all, I just need to say that this baby is one precious little girl. She just seems to take whatever life hands to her without complaint or fuss. Instead, she just cuddles more.
The doctor did skin testing for the four common food allergens in young children: eggs, wheat, milk, and soy. She tested negative for all of them. Arrgh. But what else would I expect in this seemingly never-ending process where we never get any real answers?
But the visit wasn't all for naught. I now know I can eat more foods (I've been avoiding milk, soy, nuts, chocolate, wheat, and eggs). That's better both for me and for her.
And, it looks like yet another doctor is pointing to a colitis of some kind. While the allergy testing is 95% accurate, it is less accurate in determining whether there is a milk-induced colitis. So, ZuZu can test negative for allergy, and still be susceptible to milk-induced colitis. While the allergist said she doesn't have all of the classic symptoms, its very possible that she has this form of colitis. So I am still avoiding dairy (and soy-- I don't want to change too many variables at once and then not know what made her better/worse).
We are still scheduled to see the pediatric GI specialist at the Children's Hospital next week.
But now for the really good news (better than the fact that I can now eat dairy-free chocolate): ZuZu has been AMAZING this week. Her symptoms have actually gotten better, and she has been HAPPY. This precious little one loves to smile, and I even caught her singing this week!
The doctor did skin testing for the four common food allergens in young children: eggs, wheat, milk, and soy. She tested negative for all of them. Arrgh. But what else would I expect in this seemingly never-ending process where we never get any real answers?
But the visit wasn't all for naught. I now know I can eat more foods (I've been avoiding milk, soy, nuts, chocolate, wheat, and eggs). That's better both for me and for her.
And, it looks like yet another doctor is pointing to a colitis of some kind. While the allergy testing is 95% accurate, it is less accurate in determining whether there is a milk-induced colitis. So, ZuZu can test negative for allergy, and still be susceptible to milk-induced colitis. While the allergist said she doesn't have all of the classic symptoms, its very possible that she has this form of colitis. So I am still avoiding dairy (and soy-- I don't want to change too many variables at once and then not know what made her better/worse).
We are still scheduled to see the pediatric GI specialist at the Children's Hospital next week.
But now for the really good news (better than the fact that I can now eat dairy-free chocolate): ZuZu has been AMAZING this week. Her symptoms have actually gotten better, and she has been HAPPY. This precious little one loves to smile, and I even caught her singing this week!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
God never ceases to amaze
Whenever we leave for a trip that is longer than just going across town (which in Mayberry, doesn't take that long), we pray when we leave. This morning was ZuZu's 2 month appointment, so K and I prayed as we pulled away from the house. After we prayed, I said, "You know, I am going to be praying that Dr. H (her pediatrician) just says, 'Go ahead and nurse her.' God COULD do that, you know."
But I went in to the appointment ready to "fight." What can I say, I'm a lawyer and I had my arguments all laid out. This formula thing just didn't make any sense. Is breastmilk better for babies than formula? Yes. Does she nurse well? Yes. Is she still having wet diapers? Yes. Is she gaining weight? Yes. Was I off of dairy long enough for it to affect her system? No. And on and on....
And then the doctor comes in. And the first thing she tells us is that she attended a special webinar this morning on digestive issues in children, particularly bleeding. And that the most recent studies showed that a change in diet (like from breastmilk to formula) doesn't make a difference. So we could go ahead and breastfeed if we wanted.
What?
This was from the doctor who wanted to put her on formula for a month...
Wow. Thank you, God.
We still have an appointment with the allergist next week, and she has an appointment with a pediatric GI specialist the week after at the Childrens Hospital at the University of Iowa. But in the meantime, no more of that nasty formula for our princess!
And now, for your viewing enjoyment, a few recent pictures (this blog hasn't had enough of those lately!)
(sleeping with his earphones :) )
But I went in to the appointment ready to "fight." What can I say, I'm a lawyer and I had my arguments all laid out. This formula thing just didn't make any sense. Is breastmilk better for babies than formula? Yes. Does she nurse well? Yes. Is she still having wet diapers? Yes. Is she gaining weight? Yes. Was I off of dairy long enough for it to affect her system? No. And on and on....
And then the doctor comes in. And the first thing she tells us is that she attended a special webinar this morning on digestive issues in children, particularly bleeding. And that the most recent studies showed that a change in diet (like from breastmilk to formula) doesn't make a difference. So we could go ahead and breastfeed if we wanted.
What?
This was from the doctor who wanted to put her on formula for a month...
Wow. Thank you, God.
We still have an appointment with the allergist next week, and she has an appointment with a pediatric GI specialist the week after at the Childrens Hospital at the University of Iowa. But in the meantime, no more of that nasty formula for our princess!
And now, for your viewing enjoyment, a few recent pictures (this blog hasn't had enough of those lately!)
(sleeping with his earphones :) )
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Quick Update
All of ZuZu's tests came back negative. The nurse that called said, "good news." And I was thinking, "not really." I mean, everything she was tested for was treatable-- and it would mean we would have an answer.
Now, we are scheduled to see a pediatric GI doctor in a couple weeks at the Children's Hospital at the University of Iowa. They are going to "scan and scope" her and collect tissue samples. Really, I think a medication for e coli would have been a little less invasive!
I'm still not completely convinced this isn't allergy-related. It takes 2-3 weeks for dairy to get out of my system, and about the same time to get out of hers. I was dairy free for only 2 weeks when they put her on formula. Granted, we hadn't seen any improvements by that point, but she could just be extremely allergic to something in my diet. And no one has paid attention to the fact that she is incredibly stuffed up and we keep sucking a ton of green junk out of her nose. To me that screams "allergy"-- not GI.
So I made an appointment for ZuZu next week with my allergist. They do allergy testing that young now, so I am hoping to know within about 20 minutes on Wednesday if she is allergic to dairy, soy, eggs, etc. Somehow I think 8 or so pin pricks is a lot less invasive than a scope.
If she is allergic to something, we will know. If she's not allergic to anything, then we will know.
In the meantime, her stools have been normal again today. And I just can't kick the thought that it's not a good idea to put her on formula. It just doesn't make sense to me, if breastmilk is supposed to be the best. But three (separate) pediatricians and a lactation consultant wouldn't be wrong, would they? Am I just hanging on to the desire to nurse her out of selfishness? I said that I would do anything to make her better-- I'm not sure why I can't be okay with following doctors' orders.
Now, we are scheduled to see a pediatric GI doctor in a couple weeks at the Children's Hospital at the University of Iowa. They are going to "scan and scope" her and collect tissue samples. Really, I think a medication for e coli would have been a little less invasive!
I'm still not completely convinced this isn't allergy-related. It takes 2-3 weeks for dairy to get out of my system, and about the same time to get out of hers. I was dairy free for only 2 weeks when they put her on formula. Granted, we hadn't seen any improvements by that point, but she could just be extremely allergic to something in my diet. And no one has paid attention to the fact that she is incredibly stuffed up and we keep sucking a ton of green junk out of her nose. To me that screams "allergy"-- not GI.
So I made an appointment for ZuZu next week with my allergist. They do allergy testing that young now, so I am hoping to know within about 20 minutes on Wednesday if she is allergic to dairy, soy, eggs, etc. Somehow I think 8 or so pin pricks is a lot less invasive than a scope.
If she is allergic to something, we will know. If she's not allergic to anything, then we will know.
In the meantime, her stools have been normal again today. And I just can't kick the thought that it's not a good idea to put her on formula. It just doesn't make sense to me, if breastmilk is supposed to be the best. But three (separate) pediatricians and a lactation consultant wouldn't be wrong, would they? Am I just hanging on to the desire to nurse her out of selfishness? I said that I would do anything to make her better-- I'm not sure why I can't be okay with following doctors' orders.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
ZuZu
We're still waiting on the results. And with every minute that goes by, I feel like I become less and less emotionally stable.
We had a good 48 hours after she started the formula-- she smiled quite a bit and was content, and her stools returned to a more normal consistency (I still can't believe I am blogging about THAT). But yesterday things turned. She cried all day, and the mucus returned and we think there was some blood. This morning she has cried out in pain a couple different times-- each was followed by a bowel movement-- one green, and one with mucus.
I'm not sure how long I can keep up with the schedule we are on. Since I am pumping to keep up my supply, there isn't much time in the day that isn't either taken up by feeding her, rocking her, or pumping. We get through it all once, and it's time to start all over again. So besides being emotionally unstable, physically I am barely able to move.
I've had some more words with God this morning. I know He hears, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it.
We had a good 48 hours after she started the formula-- she smiled quite a bit and was content, and her stools returned to a more normal consistency (I still can't believe I am blogging about THAT). But yesterday things turned. She cried all day, and the mucus returned and we think there was some blood. This morning she has cried out in pain a couple different times-- each was followed by a bowel movement-- one green, and one with mucus.
I'm not sure how long I can keep up with the schedule we are on. Since I am pumping to keep up my supply, there isn't much time in the day that isn't either taken up by feeding her, rocking her, or pumping. We get through it all once, and it's time to start all over again. So besides being emotionally unstable, physically I am barely able to move.
I've had some more words with God this morning. I know He hears, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Joy in the morning
Yesterday, a good friend from work reminded me that weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.
I admit, I was kinda like, "Yeah, right. Well this 'night' has lasted for 6 weeks, and the morning doesn't seem to be coming."
And at 5:00 this morning, I was thinking the same thing-- watching ZuZu gag, cry, and refuse to eat was more than my heart could handle. In 12 hours, she only ate a total of 8 ounces of formula.
And then she went to the bathroom. And well, I considered taking a picture of it for the blog, I was so happy. It was still a little green (but what color is formula-fed stool supposed to be?), but there was some yellow and it was definitely NOT watery. For the first time in weeks.
And then she smiled. And smiled, and smiled, and smiled. And right now, she is in her bouncy seat, where she has been for the last half hour-- AWAKE. And not fussing!
Isn't she BEAUTIFUL?!
I can't wait to see what this little girl is like once she is totally healed of this (whatver "this" is)!
I admit, I was kinda like, "Yeah, right. Well this 'night' has lasted for 6 weeks, and the morning doesn't seem to be coming."
And at 5:00 this morning, I was thinking the same thing-- watching ZuZu gag, cry, and refuse to eat was more than my heart could handle. In 12 hours, she only ate a total of 8 ounces of formula.
And then she went to the bathroom. And well, I considered taking a picture of it for the blog, I was so happy. It was still a little green (but what color is formula-fed stool supposed to be?), but there was some yellow and it was definitely NOT watery. For the first time in weeks.
And then she smiled. And smiled, and smiled, and smiled. And right now, she is in her bouncy seat, where she has been for the last half hour-- AWAKE. And not fussing!
Isn't she BEAUTIFUL?!
I can't wait to see what this little girl is like once she is totally healed of this (whatver "this" is)!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Prayers for ZuZu, Part 2
We had an appointment with a new pediatric office today, to get a second opinion on ZuZu's condition. Here's the email I sent out to let people know how things went:
I'm not really sure where to start-- we left the house before 7 this morning and got home after 4-- we were at the hospital complex in Burlington for almost 3 hours while three different people checked ZuZu out.
Their consensus: "Something is definitely going on."
Helpful, eh?
Actually, they were wonderful. One was a Nurse Practitioner who is also a lactation consultant. She was amazing. But she determined everything I have eliminated from my diet should have had an effect on ZuZu by now. They looked at some of her stool right there in the office and found some kind of weird cell activity going on (there was a name for it, but I was hit with so much I don't remember some things). So even the lactation consultant (i.e., breastfeeding advocate) said that we need to get her on special formula for a week that will help her to heal. (And thankfully, they gave me about 100 dollars worth of formula, because it is EXPENSIVE).
The bottom line is that we have no answers yet, but we have a team there that is really trying to find some answers. We had to stay around town for 4 hours waiting for ZuZu to have another stool-- and with Moses in tow, that was NOT FUN. This was a day I never want to repeat.
They are running a number of tests, including tests for a number of bacterial diseases (shigella, salmonella, ecoli, and campylobacter). As you can imagine, the line of questioning was rather different-- do we have iguanas, where do we get our water supply, etc.
We should have results in a few days. We go back on the 11th for follow up. If she is not noticably better, they will send her on to a pediatric GI specialist.
Thanks for your prayers-- we have really needed them.
***
Once everything is over, I will need to blog about our experience collecting her stool sample in our car in Walmart's parking lot. Let's just say I think we will be finding "samples" of it in our car for months to come. It was on the console, on the windshield, all over ZuZu... Have you ever tried to "collect" watery stool off of saran wrap? It is nearly impossible....
I'm not really sure where to start-- we left the house before 7 this morning and got home after 4-- we were at the hospital complex in Burlington for almost 3 hours while three different people checked ZuZu out.
Their consensus: "Something is definitely going on."
Helpful, eh?
Actually, they were wonderful. One was a Nurse Practitioner who is also a lactation consultant. She was amazing. But she determined everything I have eliminated from my diet should have had an effect on ZuZu by now. They looked at some of her stool right there in the office and found some kind of weird cell activity going on (there was a name for it, but I was hit with so much I don't remember some things). So even the lactation consultant (i.e., breastfeeding advocate) said that we need to get her on special formula for a week that will help her to heal. (And thankfully, they gave me about 100 dollars worth of formula, because it is EXPENSIVE).
The bottom line is that we have no answers yet, but we have a team there that is really trying to find some answers. We had to stay around town for 4 hours waiting for ZuZu to have another stool-- and with Moses in tow, that was NOT FUN. This was a day I never want to repeat.
They are running a number of tests, including tests for a number of bacterial diseases (shigella, salmonella, ecoli, and campylobacter). As you can imagine, the line of questioning was rather different-- do we have iguanas, where do we get our water supply, etc.
We should have results in a few days. We go back on the 11th for follow up. If she is not noticably better, they will send her on to a pediatric GI specialist.
Thanks for your prayers-- we have really needed them.
***
Once everything is over, I will need to blog about our experience collecting her stool sample in our car in Walmart's parking lot. Let's just say I think we will be finding "samples" of it in our car for months to come. It was on the console, on the windshield, all over ZuZu... Have you ever tried to "collect" watery stool off of saran wrap? It is nearly impossible....
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